


Hope is a Dangerous and Beautiful Thing

by bluerosesandwhitelace



Category: The Dark Artifices Series - Cassandra Clare
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-04-19
Updated: 2017-05-31
Packaged: 2018-10-20 19:18:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,847
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10669104
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bluerosesandwhitelace/pseuds/bluerosesandwhitelace
Summary: Seven years after the end of Lady Midnight finds Emma and Julian distanced from each other. But what happens when Emma returns to Los Angeles and finds out that Julian is engaged? Though their love is forbidden by the parabatai curse, Emma can't stop thinking about Julian--especially after she finds out that there might be a way for them to be together. Does Julian feel the same way about her?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hi everyone! This is my very first work on here! I read Lady Midnight and couldn't resist starting this piece to let out some of my angst over the Emma and Julian dilemma. It took me a long time but I finally finished it. This is written as if Lady Midnight is the end of the story--since I wrote this and published it before Lord of Shadows was out. So keep that in mind for those of you who are reading it after Lord of Shadows is released! I hope you enjoy!

“How come you didn’t tell me you were planning to marry that girl?” Emma Carstairs burst into the studio of the Los Angeles Institute. Julian Blackthorn was at an easel by the window, painting a picture of Tavvy swinging a blade in the training room. He looked surprised to see Emma.

            Julian set down his paintbrush and paced towards his study on the other side of the room. This study used to be Julian’s private room that no one was allowed to enter. It used to be filled with paintings of Emma, paintings that no one but her had ever seen. But that was 7 years ago. Emma did not know where the paintings had disappeared to but they were gone. Now the room held a giant desk with papers, maps, and correspondences from Shadowhunters from all around the globe. It was where Julian performed all the business involved in running the Institute, which was now his official job.

            He looked tired, Emma thought, watching him sit down at the desk and beckon her to sit in one of the chairs across from him. She took the offered seat and waited for him to respond to her question. He remained silent, just looking at her.

            “Come on, Jules. I had to learn from Cristina! Cristina is in Mexico, for God’s sake, and she knew before me! I’m your parabatai, Jules, I should know these things,” Emma finally burst out.

            Julian sighed. “Emma, I’ve hardly seen you. You’ve been back in Los Angeles for two months and I’ve only seen you about ten times—and only briefly then. When would I have told you? And her name is Beth, by the way, not ‘that girl’.”

            “Yeah, yeah, Beth, got it,” Emma said, then changed the subject. “How’s Tavvy doing?” Tavvy was the only younger Blackthorn still living in the institute with Julian. Dru was doing her travelling year in London. Ty and Livvy were in Idris.

            “His training is going well,” Julian responded.

            “That’s good,” Emma looked around the room, acting like an animal trapped in a cage. “Well, I better be going. Bye, Jules.” Emma nearly ran out of the studio. Julian stared after her, confused as to what had just transpired.

  

* * *

            Emma paced around her small apartment, sweaty from the run she had gone on to release stress from her visit with Julian. How could Julian not have told her he was getting married? Although, she couldn’t blame him for not telling her right away. She had been avoiding him since she returned to Los Angeles two months ago. And she had been largely absent from his life for the past six years while she did her travelling year that extended into years. Finally, she had decided to return to Los Angeles out of the blue two months ago. Emma didn’t know what had made her decide to return, just that she felt that she needed to.

            She felt her phone buzz in her pocket, as she hit one wall and turned around to pace to the other wall. Pacing would be more effective in a larger apartment, she thought, as she pulled her phone out of her pocket. It was a text from Mark, asking if she wanted to meet up for coffee this afternoon. She texted a quick reply, then went to hop in the shower.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Emma catches up with Mark and remembers an important conversation she had with Clary while visiting the New York Institute.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! Here's the second chapter! Hope you enjoy! Kudos are much appreciated!

As Emma walked into the coffee shop, Mark waved at her from a corner table across the room. He held up a coffee to her as she joined him.

            “I hope this is still the type of coffee you like,” he said,  “It has been a few years since I ordered coffee for you, after all.”

            Emma smiled and accepted the coffee graciously. “How are you, Mark? When did you get back to the area?” Mark had been in the Seelie Court to increase relations between the Nephilim and Seelie. Ties had been strained ever since the Cold Peace even though the Cold Peace had since been revoked.

            “I’ve been well, Emma. I just got back yesterday. How are you? Have you talked to Julian yet?” Mark looked sympathetically at Emma.

            “I spoke with him this morning…well, sort of…” she trailed off.

            “Emma you have to tell him how you feel, parabatai curse be damned. I just want you both to be happy,” Mark said, “And I don’t think either of you will truly be able to be happy until Julian knows the whole truth. You should have told him, Emma, when you found out.”

            “I’m not here for a lecture, Mark,” Emma replied, saucily, “I know I should have told Julian. But it’s easier to break someone else’s heart than to make yourself stop loving them. I had to make Julian stop loving me and this was the only way. Besides, you didn’t complain about it back then.”

            “I was heartbroken over Kieran and a pretty girl said she wanted to date me. I wasn’t going to say no even if it was only pretend dating. Plus I owed you a favor,” Mark rubbed his face, wearily. “But now, thinking back, I realize I shouldn’t have agreed to it. It’s just caused more pain for you and Julian. You should be honest with him, Emma. This Beth girl, have you met her? She’s alright but she’s not you, Emma. And I know Julian doesn’t love her like he loved you and probably—no, definitely—still loves you.”

            Emma downed her coffee in one last gulp and jumped up from the table.

            “Well, best be going, Mark. Important business to attend to,” she bolted away. It was really quite funny how she could face down any demon without batting an eye but when it came to discussing her feelings about Julian she ran away.

 

 

* * *

 

            Emma put on workout clothes and went for another run. She knew she still loved Julian. Ever since she had realized it, seven years ago, there had never been anyone but Julian. She had really tried to move on and find someone else. Emma had met men from all over the world while she travelled to various Institutes and helped out where needed. No one had ever made her feel the way her parabatai had. Kissing Julian was intoxicating. When she kissed him she never wanted to stop. She wanted to completely melt into Julian and permanently meld their bodies together so she could always feel the fireworks she felt when they kissed. Every man she had kissed since had paled in comparison.

            Emma pushed herself harder, but she couldn’t run away from the nagging voice in her head. It was a voice that asked _what if Julian does still love me?_ This voice was hope and she didn’t want to allow herself to hope. But hope was what had subconsciously brought her back to Los Angeles. Recently, while visiting the New York Institute, Emma had confided in Clary about her troubles with Julian. Clary had been curious as to why Emma was traveling by herself without her parabatai.

            _“It’s so strange to me that you and Julian have not seen each other for so long. I would never be able to go so long without seeing Simon. When I am with him my fighting is better. I would not be able to fight demons as well without him.” Clary stood in the doorway to Emma’s room in the Institute. Emma was perched on the bed, reading a report._

_“It’s been very hard but very necessary.” Emma put down her report and looked up at Clary._

_“How could it be necessary for you to be so far from your parabatai? I know he is busy running the Institute and you have been traveling but you could have easily stopped in Los Angeles to see him. When was the last time you went home, Emma?” Clary asked, not accusingly but curiously._

_“It’s been a few months,” Emma stared at her hands, as if fascinated by the scars there._

_“Why? Is there something wrong between you and Julian?” Clary stepped into the room and sat on the bed next to Emma._

_Emma was going to lie but when she saw Clary’s open and trusting expression she caved. “Nothing has been right between us for the past seven years. He and I did what is forbidden for parabatai: we fell in love. Actual requited love, the most dangerous kind. Jem told me about the curse and I knew that I had to break his heart so that this would not happen. The children needed him, Clary, and I couldn’t take him away from them. Not after everything that family has been through.”_

_Emma paused to take a deep breath. “So I did the one thing I knew would break his heart: date his brother, Mark. And so we fake-dated. Then I took my travel year and Julian took over the Institute. I ‘broke it off’ with Mark after the appropriate amount of time and Julian was left none the wiser. And I saved us from madness and darkness and insanity. I saved Julian, Clary, and that’s all that matters.”_

_“But what about you, Emma? Do you still love him? Because it is hardly fair for you to suppress your feelings this way,” Clary said gravely, then brightened as if she had an idea. “I am well versed in the parabatai curse and I know parabatai runes are permanent but what if I were able to alter it? I make new runes all the time. Who says I can’t make a rune that alters another rune?”_

_“Even if it was possible, Clary, I don’t think Julian still loves me. I made sure to break his heart thoroughly. No, it isn’t worth it,” Emma responded. Despite her best efforts, a tiny gleam of hope had bloomed in the edge of her consciousness._

_“I will respect your wishes, Emma,” said Clary, “but if you ever change your mind, just let me know.” With that, she walked out of the room._

            A week after that conversation with Clary Emma was back in Los Angeles for the first time in over a year, signing a lease to an apartment in the city. She told herself that she hadn’t returned because of the small seed of hope that had bloomed in her chest, but she couldn’t stop it from budding.  

            That bud had been cut before it could ever bloom, though. When she had stopped at the Institute to see Jules and tell him that she was moving back she had met Beth. Beth, with the dark hair and blue eyes. She looked like she would fit in perfectly with the Blackthorns. Emma had seen how happy Jules looked with Beth and whenever he looked at Emma now, he just looked sad and disappointed. So she gave up hope that Julian still shared her feelings.

            Yet, she had stayed in the Los Angeles area. She wasn’t sure why. She told no one about Clary’s offer. Maybe she stayed just because she realized that she had missed Julian terribly and it felt good to have him close by again. Maybe she had missed Los Angeles and wanted to settle down for a while. After all, her last several years had been hectic. Maybe she just needed some stability in her life for a while. Whatever it was, Emma had stayed.

            She pounded across the sand, desperately trying to push the voices of Mark and Clary and Julian and, even, Cristina out of her head. Emma couldn’t allow hope to grow again because the more it grew, the more painful it would be when it was killed by Jules marrying Beth.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys! Sorry it took me so long to get this up here! I actually have the whole story finished! I'm just a slacker about publishing it! 
> 
> Also, I finished LOS three days ago. That ending though! I don't know if I can stand to wait until 2019 for the next book!
> 
> But anyway, enjoy this alternate universe where all the sadness from LOS did not occur!

            Emma jumped from the rope in the Institute’s training room. She tucked and rolled as she hit the ground. Just as she sprang back up, Julian walked into the room in training clothes.

            “I see you still like to jump from insanely high places,” he said to her, “I guess some things don’t change.”

            “I’m not as good as I used to be,” Emma responded, “I’ve grown soft over the years.”

            “That’s not what I’ve heard in the reports I get,” Julian laughed. He tossed a sparring sword at her and picked one up for himself. “Let’s see if you’ve still got it!”

            Emma caught the wooden sword. She took Cortana off her back and set it aside. Then she prepared herself for Julian’s attack. He swung first, catching her off guard. In the past, Emma had always been the one to attack first. A sense of nostalgia overcame her as she met his attack and attacked in turn. They whirled around the training room, each landing a decent amount of hits. But eventually, Emma had pinned Julian to the floor with her practice sword pointed at his throat.

            “You’ve grown soft running the Institute and not seeing any actual fighting,” Emma taunted.

            “And you’re still as arrogant as ever,” Julian said, as he swiped Emma’s feet out from under her with his leg.

Emma fell, landing on top of Julian. Their faces were only inches apart. Emma barely dared to breathe. She had not been this close to Julian in years. She could feel his heart beating fast under her hands where she had tried to brace herself on his chest as she fell. She thought she heard Julian’s breath hitch as she met his eyes. He swallowed hard, staring intently at her.

            “Emma, I…uh…” he spluttered. She started to lean in closer to him, then realized what she was doing, scrambling up off the floor. She stalked across the room, as far away from Julian as possible. She picked up Cortana and swung at one of the practice dummies, hacking off its arm.

            Julian raised himself to his feet slowly. He looked dazed. Julian opened his mouth as if to say something to Emma and then closed it again. He shook his head. He walked toward the door, hesitated, and then turned towards Emma.

            “Emma, I’m making breakfast for Tavvy and Mark soon. Care to join us?”

            “Will your fiancée be there?” Emma asked, focusing intently on the dummy and not looking at Julian.

            “No, she’s visiting her family. Why does it matter?” he questioned her.

            “Just wondering,” Emma brushed off the subject and turned toward Julian. “Do I have time to shower first?”

            “Of course. Breakfast will be ready in an hour.”

            Julian walked out of the training room.

 

* * *

            Emma stepped out of the shower in her old room at the Institute. She wrapped herself in a towel and looked around the room. It was exactly as she had left it, collectible throw pillows and all. Her closet, which had once housed the clues leading to her parents’ murderer, now held clothes, as a closet should. Emma remembered how surreal it had felt to hang up her clothes and put them in the closet, staring at the blank wall behind them all the while. The wall that had been her obsession for the past five years before that. Now, Emma felt nothing as she pulled out a floral dress from her closet and stared at the wall. Time and distance had brought her to acceptance of her parents’ deaths. The wall was little but a memory of a different time in her life now.

            She dropped her towel to the floor and pulled the floral dress over her head. She examined herself in the mirror. This dress had been one of her favorites before, except Emma had remembered it fitting her differently back then. It wasn’t that it fit her poorly now—rather it now hugged the curves Emma hadn’t realized she’d gained as she grew up. She was still slender and muscular, but the dress showed a bit more cleavage than it had prior and was a bit tighter.  She shrugged and pulled a cardigan out of her closet to put on over the dress. Emma slipped on a pair of flip-flops and out the door she went.

            Memories bombarded her as she padded through the halls of the Institute. She had spent all of her adolescence in this place and had scarcely been back to it since. Emma wondered what would have happened if she had stayed to help Julian with the Institute instead of running away.

            _“Emma, stay and help me run the Los Angeles Institute. I need you. I don’t know what I’m doing,” Julian pleaded with her. Emma stood in the hallway next to her bedroom door with a small suitcase in hand. Magnus Bane was waiting in the entryway to Portal her to the New York Institute where Emma had decided to start her travel year._

_“Jules, you’ve been doing this since you were twelve. You don’t need me,” Emma patted Julian’s shoulder. Her fingers tingled at the slight contact and she went to draw her hand away. Julian caught her hand in his and pulled her into an embrace. He kissed her, hard and needing. She automatically responded to the kiss with familiarity, even though it had been a year since their last kiss. Then, she realized what she was doing and broke away. She picked up her dropped suitcase and started to walk down the hallway._

_“Emma, wait, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have done that, but I still love you. I’m still_ in _love with you. Please don’t go,” Julian begged her._

_“That’s exactly why I have to go,” Emma stopped to turn around and look at Julian, then added for good measure, “Besides, I’m happy with Mark. Goodbye, Jules.”_

Emma’s heart was pained by the memory. Why could she only remember the painful memories when she was at the Institute now? She had far more happy memories than painful ones, yet those memories eluded her, obscured by the pain of her severed relationship with Julian.

            When Emma reached the kitchen, Mark and Tavvy were sitting at the table with Julian at the stove making pancakes. Emma slid into her seat and greeted Mark and Tavvy. Tavvy immediately launched into a story about a minor demon he had recently gone with Julian to help take care of. Julian chuckled every once and a while and corrected the exaggerations Tavvy made. Emma couldn’t help but smile, feeling at home for the first time in what felt like forever.

By the time the story was over, Julian was finished cooking and had sat down at the table. Everybody dug into the pancakes, eggs, and sausage. Mark started to talk about his recent dealings with the Seelie. Then Emma spoke of her travels. Tavvy gasped when she spoke of the demons she had faced. She spoke of her recent trip to the New York Institute (omitting her discussion with Clary, of course) and how she had gone with Jace, Alec, Clary, Isabelle, and Simon on a mission. Emma’s voice caught and she glanced furtively at Julian as she spoke about how well Jace and Alec and Clary and Simon worked together as parabatai and how she had never seen anything like it. Truly it hurt her that she and Julian didn’t even have a good parabatai relationship anymore and being around the gang at the New York Institute had only exacerbated this sentiment.

Suddenly, Julian’s phone started buzzing. He picked it up.  
            “Hello?” He stepped out of the kitchen and into the hallway. Emma lost interest, thinking it must be Beth.

“Why don’t you and Julian fight together as parabatai anymore, Emma?” Tavvy asked her.

“Well Julian’s been busy here running the Institute! And I’ve been all over the world! I couldn’t take him away from here just to fight with me,” Emma tried to laugh it off with a simple explanation, but Tavvy wasn’t buying it.

“So you could have stayed here. Or Julian could have gone with you,” Tavvy was insistent.

“The Institute needed Julian here and I wanted to travel. Life just brought us very different things. I’m sure we’ll fight together again,” Emma assured Tavvy.

Julian came back into the room looking concerned “There was a demon attacking people on the beach last night. I’ll need to go take care of it tonight.”

“Emma can go with you!” Tavvy said instantly and Mark nodded in agreement. Emma glared at Mark. He was supposed to be on her side!

Julian smiled at Tavvy. “I thought for sure you were going to be begging to come with me, not begging for Emma to go.”

“Well, I need to study tonight and I don’t want you to go alone,” Tavvy responded.

“Study? Since when do you study?” Emma asked in disbelief.

Tavvy elbowed her in the ribs. She flinched and rubbed her side.

            “I could maybe help you Tavvy. Aren’t you learning about the Seelies and Unseelies right now?” Mark offered, winking at Emma when Julian looked away.

            _Dammit, they’re both up to something!_ Emma thought, glaring at the two of them. Julian didn’t see her withering look as he started clearing the breakfast dishes.

            “Are you up to it, Emma?” he asked, as Tavvy and Mark snuck out of the kitchen, grinning like hyenas.

            Emma made a noise in reluctant agreement, trying to also sneak out of the kitchen.

            “Let’s leave an hour before sunset so we can scope out the area first,” Julian said. “The demon has been—“

            Emma didn’t hear anything more because she was already out the door chasing after Mark and Tavvy.

 

* * *

 

“What the hell do you two think you’re doing?” Emma stormed into Tavvy’s room, where he and Mark were playing video games. “This does not look like ‘studying’.”

“Oh, please, I never study,” Tavvy laughed. “I just wanted you and Jules to go on a mission together. He misses you, Emma.”

Mark raised his eyebrows at Emma in agreement with Tavvy but with added insinuation about Emma and Julian’s romantic relationship.

            “You two are insufferable,” Emma huffed. “Jules doesn’t need me. He should just take his fiancée with him. It’d be like a romantic walk on the beach, but with a demon involved!”

            “To be honest, I don’t think Jules really likes to fight with Beth,” Tavvy said. “They fought a minor demon together a couple weeks ago and Jules came back quite bloodied and very annoyed. He was muttering something like ‘the crazy woman doesn’t know how to fight with anyone…damn near got me killed.’ Then he stormed up to his room. She came in right after him, trying to apologize but he refused to open his bedroom door.”

            “That doesn’t mean anything, Tavvy,” Emma said. “Besides he’ll have to learn to fight with her if he wants to marry her. Most Shadowhunter couples fight together.”

            “I know, Emma, but you’re his parabatai! You’re supposed to fight demons together too!” Tavvy pointed out to her. “And you haven’t gone on a mission together in so long.”

            “You’d better go get ready, Emma,” Mark said, then added in an undertone so that Tavvy—who was returning to his video game—would not hear, “You’ll thank us later.”

            Emma sighed and stalked out of the room.


End file.
